Five Things My Voicemail Would Say if I were Being Honest

I can not think of anything I like less than talking on the phone. Seriously, when the phone rings, I want to play dead. My issues are severe enough that there was a 12-month period in time when I was a telemarketer and it was like working in one of the inner circles of hell. Assuming, of course, that the inner circles of hell come with name badges and assigned parking. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I would log into my computer each day, put on my headset and call exactly zero people. That’s right. I would sit in my little cubicle talking to nobody. Sometimes, in an effort to appear productive, I would leave a message on my own cell phone sternly advising myself to call me back in order to make payment arrangements. I never did call myself back, by the way.

Breakfast table

If you were to call my cell phone, there would be a very polite and friendly message.

You have reached Stacy. I’m sorry that I have missed your call. Please leave your name and number and I will call you back as soon as possible.

It is the kind of message you would expect to hear when calling someone’s phone. Here is the thing, though. It just isn’t true. Here are five things my voicemail would say if it were acceptable for me to be completely honest.

  1. You have reached Stacy. I am really kind of relieved that I missed your call. You are welcome to leave your name and number, but it is not likely that I will call you back.
  2. You have reached Stacy. If you really knew me, you would have known that I hate the telephone and would have texted me instead.
  3. You have reached Stacy. I do not recognize your number and my mother taught me to not talk to strangers.
  4. You have reached Stacy. I recognized your number and, well… 
  5. You have reached Stacy. I am currently changing a diaper, re-washing a load of towels, scooping poop out of the bathtub, hiding in the bathroom or doing a really important quiz on Facebook. 

I guess what I am saying, friends, is that you should just text me.

Also, what I am saying is, whose idea was it to put a little green dot and the word “mobile” next to your name on Facebook so everyone knows that you currently have your phone in your hand?


What would your voicemail say (if you were being honest?)

3 thoughts on “Five Things My Voicemail Would Say if I were Being Honest

  1. #2 is definitely my ffavorite! The only difference would be that it was directed straight at my mother. When I was little, I’d I answered the phone and told the person on the other end that she was there, once she finished the call(giving me the evil eye the entire time!) she would scream like a complete lunatic about how she hated the blankety blank blank phone and if I didn’t learn to stop telling people she was home I was going to get a whipping. Basically she was telling me to lie at the same time she was telling me that I always had to tell the truth!
    My message would go something like, “Hey Momma. So you remember all those times you screamed at me because you didn’t like the phone and didn’t want to be on it? Well, (here I would begin to shout) STOP CALLING ME 13 TIMES A DAY (yes, seriously) BECAUSE I HATE THE BLANKETY BLANK BLANK PHONE! Of course, I would actually say the words blankety blank blank because I try not to cuss very often!

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