Five Things My Voicemail Would Say if I were Being Honest

I can not think of anything I like less than talking on the phone. Seriously, when the phone rings, I want to play dead. My issues are severe enough that there was a 12-month period in time when I was a telemarketer and it was like working in one of the inner circles of hell. Assuming, of course, that the inner circles of hell come with name badges and assigned parking. I am not even kidding when I tell you that I would log into my computer each day, put on my headset and call exactly zero people. That’s right. I would sit in my little cubicle talking to nobody. Sometimes, in an effort to appear productive, I would leave a message on my own cell phone sternly advising myself to call me back in order to make payment arrangements. I never did call myself back, by the way.

Breakfast table

If you were to call my cell phone, there would be a very polite and friendly message.

You have reached Stacy. I’m sorry that I have missed your call. Please leave your name and number and I will call you back as soon as possible.

It is the kind of message you would expect to hear when calling someone’s phone. Here is the thing, though. It just isn’t true. Here are five things my voicemail would say if it were acceptable for me to be completely honest.

  1. You have reached Stacy. I am really kind of relieved that I missed your call. You are welcome to leave your name and number, but it is not likely that I will call you back.
  2. You have reached Stacy. If you really knew me, you would have known that I hate the telephone and would have texted me instead.
  3. You have reached Stacy. I do not recognize your number and my mother taught me to not talk to strangers.
  4. You have reached Stacy. I recognized your number and, well… 
  5. You have reached Stacy. I am currently changing a diaper, re-washing a load of towels, scooping poop out of the bathtub, hiding in the bathroom or doing a really important quiz on Facebook. 

I guess what I am saying, friends, is that you should just text me.

Also, what I am saying is, whose idea was it to put a little green dot and the word “mobile” next to your name on Facebook so everyone knows that you currently have your phone in your hand?

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What would your voicemail say (if you were being honest?)

5 Things Friday: 5 Things I have Done Online to Make My Offline Life Better

I did something drastic, y’all.

I deleted all of the social media apps from my telephone. I have been feeling a little too distracted. I have felt too caught up in a world where folks like you when you’re funny but can turn on you faster than you can say #ishouldnothavepostedthat.

scripture doodle

I would type up a bare-my-heart blog post, hit publish and then obsessively check my phone to see if anyone liked it or hated it or if anyone viewed it at all. Suddenly, my thoughts and words were only worth the number of likes and shares they received.

Then, I went a step farther. I disabled comments on my blog. I want to write the words God gives me. I want to share messages that matter. What I don’t want is to be concerned when no one leaves a comment.

baby shoes

Sometimes, I do something I am really proud of and, wait for it, I don’t share a picture online. I don’t ever want to be the reason another woman feels discouraged at the end of the day. It’s the reason I tend to be an over-sharer online. For every post about a homemade dinner, there is also a post about some mothering faux pas I have made.

So, yes, if I spend three months making yarn pom poms, you better believe I’m posting a picture of the wreathe I made with them. Sometimes, however, I am going to say “yay me” and reward myself with a nice cup of coffee and not feel the need to tell the world.

coffee

I have a morning routine. I feed and change the baby so that she is content. I make sure there are easily accessible breakfast items for the other kids. I make a cup of coffee, grab my Bible and sit down at the computer to have a quiet time. Then, before I know it, I have answered some emails, paid some bills, caught myself up on the Facebook/Twitter happenings that took place since the last time I checked right. before. I. fell. asleep. {Hence the need to take the apps off of my phone.} You know what rarely happens during those moments? An actual quiet time.

So, I have started having my quiet time away from my computer and phone. I even leave my phone in another room. Oh, sure, I say that I’m going to just use the Bible app. The next thing I know, however, I’m caught up in an intense game of Trivia Crack. I’m a weak woman, y’all.

ABCs

Finally, I’m giving myself permission to only blog when I have something to say. Maybe that seems obvious but, to be an inconsistent blogger, is deadly to one’s stats. We live in a world where people need to be constantly entertained and the moment you are not entertaining – they move on. So, I’m giving folks permission to move on if they feel the need.

I am still very much online. I happen to love Facebook and Twitter and blogs. I get to stay in touch with family I haven’t seen in years and I get to know people I would have never met in real life. I just needed to prioritize a little better. You see, I have a lot of fun online. Y’all are fabulous. But the peeps I do real life with? Well, they are quite awesome, as well.

Y’all are loved!

Five Things Friday: 5 things you can do if you get up before your kids (and what I do instead)

coffee cup1I have said it a thousand times over the years. I’m going to start getting out of bed at least an hour before the kids wake up. I’m always sincere when I say it. I usually utter this intention when I wake up at 7:30 to find that my four oldest children are all awake, in the kitchen and fighting over a pack of Ritz crackers because we are out of Pop tarts. Don’t judge me, y’all. I’m tired. They are learning very important skills should they ever have to live in the wild and find their own food to survive. Assuming the wild has half eaten sleeves of Ritz crackers and jars of french onion dip.

I really want to get up early. Maybe that isn’t exactly true. I really want to want to get up early. I see folks posting pictures of beautiful sun rises while they sit in their favorite chair drinking coffee, wearing slippers and reading the Bible. It looks peaceful and wonderful. It really does. Part of me is envious. The larger part, however, thinks that my picture would probably look very similar. So, it makes more sense for me to enjoy your pretty picture from the warmth of my bed after getting a couple extra hours of sleep. There’s no reason for both of us to be tired. Am I right?

Just in case you are a Proverbs 31 woman who rises while it is still dark, here are five things you could get done before your children wake up.

  1. Make a cup of coffee.
  2. Enjoy an uninterrupted quiet time.
  3. Tidy up the kitchen.
  4. Set the breakfast table.
  5. Take a deep breath and listen to the silence.

If, however, you are a Proverbs 31-ish woman {like myself}, you will find that these are the five things you will do instead.

  1. Fearful of waking up any little people, you do not make coffee, turn on any lights or breathe.
  2. You constantly look over your shoulder for fear that noise you heard was a little person coming up the stairs.
  3. You sit on the edge of your seat so that, should a little person begin to make an appearance, you can quickly hide in the hope that the little person will make their way down the hall and climb into bed with daddy.
  4. You write a very important and informative blog post about what moms really do when they wake up before their children.
  5. You decide that this is foolishness. There is a warm bed down the hall and you are going to get in it. After all, there are plenty of Ritz crackers in the pantry.

Happy Friday, beautiful peeps!

{disclaimer: My babes actually got nice, hot cinnamon rolls this morning. I like to keep them guessing.}

Five Things Friday: A few of my favorite things…

I wasn’t kidding, this morning, when I posted on Facebook that I had no idea what day it was. Between not having homeschool, the hubs being home during the day and the general holiday craziness – I gave up trying to keep track. My only goal for the week was to figure out when trash day was and to not miss it. Because, y’all, when you don’t have a garbage disposal and you have two kids who still wear diapers, the last thing in the world you want to do is miss garbage day. And all God’s people said…

So, here we are on what turned out to be Friday and that means it’s time for Five Things Friday! Today, I am sharing five things that I use on a daily basis. I know, the excitement is just too much.

face wash

I had never heard of this stuff until a sweet aunt gave me some as a gift after I had my fifth daughter. Purity is now my new BFF.

foundationI have skin that is oily and prone to breakouts. Isn’t that lovely? With this foundation, however, no one ever has to know. So, if that happens to be you as well, this product may be for you.

lotion

I got this stuff for Christmas last year and have used it every day since. That’s all I have to say about that.

  • My favorite coffee – International Cafe (Hazelnut) by Maxwell House

coffee

Yes, it’s instant. Don’t sass me. I can’t help it; I love it. If I can’t have a Starbucks grande mocha with no whip, this is what I want.

  • My favorite random thing hanging on my wall

joy

This is our joy dare collection. There is a topic for every day of the year which you are supposed to use to think of three “gifts” or things for which you are grateful. For example, today’s joy dare is “a gift outside, inside and on a plate.” So, the girls and I take turns telling the three things we are grateful for that fall within those parameters. We downloaded this from Ann Voskamp’s blog, A Holy Experience.

Happy Friday, y’all!

Five Things Friday: 5 Things You Don’t Say to a Tired Mama

I am taking this week off for the holiday. Please enjoy this oldie but goodie. It is my most shared Five Things Friday post ever. Apparently, there are a lot of tired mamas out there. So, watch yourself! 🙂

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My first three babies were great sleepers. I’m talking sleep through the night at ten weeks old kind of sleepers. I’m not gonna lie – it. was. awesome. Then, I had baby number last 4. That sweet babe of mine did not sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time for nine months.

Sophia - Dedication PhotoThen, I understood. All of those tired mamas on Facebook suddenly made sense to me. I nodded in total agreement how coffee had become a necessity and showering a luxury. I repented of every time I had judged a mama wearing pajama pants at the grocery store. Instead, I applauded her for even making it there. I began having people tell me things that, though well meaning, were either irritating or (worse) discouraging.

So, on behalf of all tired mamas out there, I’m going to tell you 5 things you should never say in response to a post or statement about being tired.

  1. My baby is six and still doesn’t sleep through the night. Nothing will make a tired mama feel worse than the suggestion that there is no end in sight to the physical and mental exhaustion she is enduring. Some days, the only thing that enables us to make it through the day is the hope that tonight may just be the night. Please don’t stomp all over that hope.
  2. My sweet angel sleeps twelve hours every night. I’m just going to go ahead and tell you that this may get you blocked on Facebook. Oh, I kid. Sort of.  If your friend has a child who doesn’t sleep and she hasn’t had the energy to bathe in two days, it is not the time to brag about how well rested and wonderful you feel.
  3. Just enjoy it because you’ll miss these days. I will miss having barbies in my bathtub. I will miss having a toddler sneak into my bed at night. I will miss night time snuggles and footie pajamas. I will miss story time and days at the park. I will not miss being so exhausted that I wash my hair in body wash and mistake diaper cream for hand lotion. When you say this to a tired mom, you instill a sense of guilt in her because she is just tired and wants to wiggle her nose and be at the next stage.
  4. What you should be doing is… This is just a no-no. Mothering is such an intimate thing. The moment you tell another mom what she “should” be doing, it can seem like a condemnation of what she is currently doing. Now, I’m not saying that you never give advice. Just be aware of how you say it. A proper way would be: All children are different, but something that worked for me is… Or maybe you read something helpful. You could say, I read the neatest thing the other day. Have you ever read… Just be aware that a tired mama is a sensitive mama and speak accordingly.
  5. You look exhausted. We tired mamas like to think that we don’t look like we’ve been hit by a Mack truck. So, when you see us out and about at the store or church, just say how great we look. Seriously. We will know you are lying and we will love you for it.

If you are a tired mama, I applaud you.

You can do this.

You are a rock star.

You go, girl.

And you look fabulous!