American Ninja Mama

I am a huge fan of shows involving obstacle courses. I love to cheer on the underdogs and, perhaps, I’m a little pleased when the overly proud ones slip early on and eliminate themselves. I am not even remotely athletic so I’ve always wondered why these types of shows appeal to me so much. Then, I took a shower last night and it all made sense. Every time I enter my bathroom it’s as if I’m participating in an obstacle course without ever signing up for it.

If you’ve ever gone to the restroom and realized (after the fact) that someone used the last roll of toilet paper and failed to replace it – then you know what I mean. You jiggle. You shake. You yell to see if anyone is within earshot. (They never are, by the way. Not unless you’re opening a candy bar.)

Then, there is the shower obstacle. You attempt to place your feet somewhere in between the Barbie dolls and the Hot Wheels. Just the other night, I pushed all of the toys to one end of the tub but failed to notice the white, rubber ball which blended quite nicely with the white tub. That was almost the one that eliminated me from any further competition.

A photo by David Cohen.

My personal favorite part of the show is when I attempt to wash my hair and must determine which bottles actually contain shampoo and which ones have been filled with week old bath water. Trust me, getting that one wrong is quite unpleasant.

Let’s say, by chance, you are one of the superior competitors who survive the shower scene. That’s about the time you open the linen closet and find that the towels have all mysteriously disappeared. Oh, sure, there is one limp, slightly damp towel laying on the floor. Do you dare?

Why is the towel wet? Did it dry a clean body fresh from the shower or was it used to mop up an overflowed toilet? You take a quick sniff and go for it. This ain’t your first shake yourself dry on the potty, almost die from a rubber ball in the shower, wash your hair in dirty bathwater and dry yourself off with a questionable towel obstacle course.

No, ma’am. You can do this thing.

Nothing Says Adult Like Voluntarily Going to the Dentist

I just got back from the dentist’s office. I dread these trips more than I did as a kid. When someone is staring into your mouth with a bright light and a magnifying glass, it is hard to hide your 5 cups a day coffee habit and your aversion to flossing. The truth comes out, my friends, and it isn’t pretty.

The worst part of these trips, however, is not the shiny instruments of death or the way your gums beg for mercy. No, the worst part is what goes on inside your head. And, when I say your head, I totally mean mine. It just makes me feel better to pretend we are talking about you.

So, this is what goes on inside my head during a teeth 1

Do I have coffee breath because that is a dead giveaway?

Where am I supposed to look?

She’s done already? Oh, she is just changing tools.

I’m never coming here again.

Am I supposed to swallow this water she’s pouring into my mouth?

How long am I supposed to close my mouth on that air, spit  vacuumy thing?

Why is she talking to me?

I think I just licked her finger.

She is done! Nope, another false alarm.

I taste blood. Why do I taste blood?

What did she just type into the computer? It’s probably really bad.

I’m never coming here, again.

Was that her stomach or mine?

I don’t know where to put my tongue.

How much are they charging me for this pleasure?

I’m never coming here again. 

Oh, she’s done. That wasn’t too bad.

Six months? Sure, see you then!

That is your glimpse into the mind of a crazy woman. It’s pretty scary.

heart sugar cookie****

In other non-dental {you’re welcome} news, I have been thinking about a verse I read the other day.

And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment. – Luke 7:37

This is a fairly familiar passage of Scripture. A woman known for her sinfulness dares to enter a Pharisee’s house uninvited. Why would she do that? Why would she put herself in a position where she would surely be ridiculed? What made her want to be in a place where she was not wanted? Why was she willing to put herself out there like that?

Why, indeed?

The answer is simple. This woman showed up at that house because Jesus was there. She was not concerned with what others thought or knew about her. She could handle the judgmental glances because her eyes were only on Him. She was willing to get a little uncomfortable in order to get a little closer to Christ. 

It got me thinking.

When is the last time I have willingly been uncomfortable in order to be a little closer to Jesus?

How to Get Your Family Noticed in Ten Easy Steps

my5babesMy oldest daughter recently asked me, “Why do people always stop and talk to us?”


“Yes, always.”

Now, I could sit here and tell you that she is exaggerating. But, she isn’t. It doesn’t seem to matter where we go, someone stops us. That is just what happens when you have five children. People are shocked horrified angry confused interested. The question is always the same.

Are these all your children?

Yes, they are all mine.

I have to say that we have met the most interesting people because of our large family. I have had people ask if all of my children have the same dad, if we are on public assistance and if we have figured out what causes it. Strangers, y’all, asking these things! {The answers, by the way, are all the same – that would be none of your concern.} Just the other day, a sweet lady walked up and commented on the fact that my infant was not wearing shoes. She disapproved. But, she gave me credit for “at least her skin is clean.” Well, thank you for noticing, ma’am.

Anyway, I got to thinking. Perhaps, you would like to be noticed more often when you are out and about with your children. Lost River Cave 1Maybe, you would like a little of the stranger love. It just isn’t very nice for our family to hog it all. Share and share alike. That’s what my mama always says.

So, today only, I am going to share some of my best kept secrets with you. If you want to attract unwanted attention, unsolicited advice and unnecessary commentary, just follow these simple rules.

  1. Always have at least one child {bonus points for two} forget to wear shoes.
  2. Have random papers, toys or happy meal bags fall out of the car when you open the door.
  3. Teach your child to wait until you are in the middle of checking out to begin yelling, “I have to tee tee. I have to tee tee.”
  4. Allow your child to wear her stocking cap to the store in the middle of June.
  5. Allow your child to wear her flip flops to the store in the middle of January.
  6. Have your child put random groceries items in the wrong person’s buggy and then try to retrieve them without being noticed.
  7. Be sure to always have at least one child with a runny nose and make sure that you do not have any tissues on hand.
  8. Make sure to allow your child to push around one of those little shopping carts so that she can run into the back of strangers and pick up multiple items that you have no intention of buying.
  9. Make a trip to the library and watch as your children occupy every computer. {Doesn’t everyone go to the library to play on the computer?}
  10. Always plan your outings during a time when your baby is hungry, tired or both.

So, there you have it. Never again will you have to endure an outing without interruptions. No more cruising through the aisles unnoticed. No more making it through your shopping without someone questioning whether you are buying any vegetables to go with the doughnuts and potato chips in your buggy. {True story.}

Go on out there and get noticed, my friends! It’s a crazy good time.

{disclaimer: it’s all in good fun, y’all. we love people. we love their stories. we love meeting people that we wouldn’t meet otherwise. it’s all good.}

Children are Superheroes

I’m convinced children are born with superpowers.

They have super sonic hearing. You can open a candy bar wrapper while hiding in the bathroom with the shower on and they can hear it, come running and be banging on the door before your first bite. They wear cloaks of invisibility. They can vanish into thin air at the sound of you pulling a full bag of trash out of the can.

sara popsicle

They wander aimlessly through a house overflowing with toys, electronics and art supplies complaining of boredom. Yet, at the mention of chores, they can entertain themselves outside for hours with a stick and an old coffee can. Nothing grosses them out. They eat boogers, chew gum that has been dropped on the ground and share toothbrushes. {But green peas? Even superheroes have their limits.}

snow day sophia

They know the name and story behind every stuffed animal, but they can’t remember where they left their homework. {Lucky for them, moms are superheroes, too, and have the ability to locate anything, anywhere, at anytime.}

They have the power to make you do the most ridiculous things like rush to their school in your pajamas because they forgot some very important something that you told them to put in their bag the night before. With a sad little whimper, they have you crawling on your stomach under a stranger’s car in the Walmart parking lot because they dropped their very-favorite-can-not-live-without-it toy. {Also known as a plastic piece of garbage that came in a happy meal that they will lose in the car before you even make it home.}

Lost River Cave 1They flash a sweet smile and, before you know it, you are scratching their bellies and sharing your Starbucks. {Stop the madness!} You give up sleep, showers and sanity. They cause gray hair, weight gain and stretch marks but are so thoroughly enjoyable that you have another. {And another and another and another – maybe that was just me.}

Without any effort at all, they teach you humility, sacrifice and a crazy, unconditional, will-walk-over-a-floor-littered-with-legos-and-Barbie-shoes kind of love.

It’s true. Children are superheroes. They can solve puzzles, climb trees and hear an adult conversation a mile away. Now, if they could just figure out how to keep their room clean.