I would be the first to admit that I know little to nothing about make-up and fashion. From what I read, however, I gather that I am supposed to make my waist appear smaller, my lips appear plumper and my eyes appear smoky. I am to wear blush to give the illusion of rosy cheeks and mascara to make my lashes seem longer. Overall concealer will hide any wrinkles, blemishes or signs of life. If, when I look in the mirror, the woman staring back looks nothing like me? Voila! Success.

For quite some time I have been admiring women with their leggings. They look classy and comfortable all at the same time. Some tall boots and a long sweater and it may just be the perfect outfit. Finally, I gather the courage to try it myself. I wear it. I love it. Suddenly, the internet is all abuzz. Apparently, the current train of thought is that proper women do not wear leggings. Drats. There I am – late to the party again and wearing the wrong thing.

It’s all so confusing.

You can wear leggings if your sweater is a certain length. If your sweater is too short, then you must wear blue jeans. Don’t wear mom jeans, however, because folks will laugh and don’t wear white ones because it isn’t Labor Day. Or do you not wear white jeans after Labor Day? Or does that only apply to white shoes?

And, if you do wear white jeans, make sure your panty line doesn’t show because that is an even bigger no-no than the white jeans worn at the wrong time. Whatever you do, do not wear the white jeans and the white shoes at the wrong time because you will probably be banned from all social gatherings except play dates. The plus side is that, on play dates, you can wear your mom jeans.

I bought something recently and a free sampling of make-up items came with it. There was a small tube of lip gloss – bright red, of course. A small thing of nail polish was included. Then, there was this.

Apparently, I am supposed to use this on my eyes? Call me crazy, but I can not think of any part of my body that I would want my husband to look at and say, “Oh, I see you used the chubby stick.”

Then, again, what do I know?

If anyone needs me, I’ll be the one with the out-of-season white pants and the chubby eyes.