Five Things Friday: 5 Things No One Told You About Motherhood

Motherhood. “It will be fun,” they said. People are full of information and advice when they meet someone about to embark on the motherhood journey. They tell you that it goes by quickly. They warn you that you will miss each stage when it’s over. They will tell you not to rock your baby to sleep. Then, they will tell you to rock her every chance you get. Folks will advise you to write down memories and make scrapbooks. Just for the record, all of those things are probably true. There are some things, however, that no one tells you about motherhood.

You will learn to survive on cat naps and coffee. “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” they say. Well, I am here to tell you that is a pipe dream. The second that sweet thing closes her eyes, you’re going to desperately attempt to clean the kitchen, brush your teeth, take a bite of some leftover pop tart, throw a load of laundry in the washer, pay the overdue electric bill and make bottles. You’ll be lucky if you get any of those things done. Personally, I would just make a cup of coffee.
You will become intimately acquainted with bodily fluids and whatnot. These adorable, innocent creatures will poop in your bathtub, pee in your bed and spit up on your shoulder. You will catch vomit in any item within reach and wipe snotty noses with your bare hand. Have a weak stomach? Don’t worry. Motherhood will cure you of that.
You will make a fool of yourself just to see them smile. You will dance like a wild woman at the gas pump to make the kids inside the car laugh. You will forget that your windows are tinted and no one else knows you have kids in the back seat. You will sing crazy loud to your kids favorite songs while driving down the road with the windows down. You will let them fix your hair and paint your nails and, then, you will proudly go out in public. Seriously, if you look like a hot mess but your kids are all smiling – rock on, mom. You’re doing a great job.
You will find yourself cutting random foods into various shapes. Heart shaped sandwiches. Mickey Mouse pancakes. Flower shaped fruit. You think it doesn’t make a difference? You think it’s a waste of time? Please refer back to number 3 and, then, go buy some cookie cutters. You’re going to need them. You think I’m kidding? Please see Exhibit A: snow cut into various shapes.
Germs? What Germs? I’m going to save you a lot of stress and heartache. Are you ready? I’m going to pass on to you what a wise woman passed on to me. God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt. Don’t freak out when your toddler eats cheerios off of the kitchen floor. That is one less place you have to sweep. The five second rule is alive and well, y’all. I’m not saying your child should lick the floor at Walmart because, well, gross. Just don’t get in a tizzy when your child eats a little mulch at the park. It’ll hold them over until lunch time.