Before you have children, you think you know all about having children. You will never be the one with the screaming child in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. No, it will never be your child who decides to play hide and seek with her shoes in. the. shoe. store.  {Lots of very good hiding places, by the way.} You will never plant your child in front of the television with a bag of chips in the hopes of catching just a little bit of rest on the couch. You will never have to Google directions to the public library when a friend asks you to meet her there because you have never actually taken your own kids there.

Yes, it’s amazing what fabulous mothers we are…before we have children.

I’m the girl that didn’t eat meat on a bone {how barbaric!} or ev.er share a drink with someone {hello, backwash.} I don’t do casual very well and I think a nice leopard print stiletto is always appropriate. So, I was full of “when I’m a mom I will never…”  sentiments. Some of them are completely legitimate. For instance, I will never wear mom jeans. While I’m not sure what mom jeans are exactly – I’m pretty sure they are high waisted, stone washed and have back pockets that cover your entire back side. In other words, every pair of jeans I owned in the early 90’s.

Sometimes, however, I find myself doing something that I know I would have never imagined myself doing.

5 Things Friday: 5 Things Moms Do

1. Allow their offspring to spit chewed gum into their bare hand. Come on, you know you’ve done it. Actually, just a couple months ago, I was on a road trip with my mother. I was driving in traffic and could not stand to chew the gum in my mouth for another second. My mother held out her hand and took my gum. Once a mom, always a mom.
2. Pick another human’s nose with your own finger. I can’t stand a toddler with boogers. There, I’ve said it. For all of my girly, squeamish ways – I will not rest until my child’s nose is clear. I draw the line at toddlers, though. So, if you have any nasal issues, you’re on your own.
3. Hold the bucket while someone loses their lunch. Oh, mercy. We have always had a hard and fast rule at my house. I don’t do poop (outside of a diaper) or vomit. By the fourth kid, however, I’ve eased up on that somewhat. Especially since, I do stay home with them now.  So, yeah, I have held the bucket.
4. Scoop someone’s feces out of the bathtub. This is something they do not tell you in all of those lovely parenting books. Always put your child to sleep on her back. No bottles in the crib. Carry them this way and feed them that way. Oh, by the way, one day you will be scooping this lovely child’s poop out of your bathtub. If it hasn’t happened to you, yet, mark. my. words.
5. Change diapers on the side of the road or on the hood of a car. Oh, I remember how it used to be – with my first. I would drive from place to place looking for a restroom with a changing table because, after all, where else would you possibly change a diaper? Right? Ha! By the fourth child, you will change a diaper on any semi-flat surface including your eldest child’s back. You become a diapering Dr. Seuss. I will change you here or there. I will change you anywhere!

So, there you go. Five reasons moms are the coolest people on the planet. We hold chewed gum, pick boogers, hold vomit and scoop poop. Just for the record, I draw the line at wiping someone’s tooth paste out of the bathroom sink. Because Ew!

Happy mommying, y’all!