Insecurity or Pride in Disguise

I am an introvert. My husband says it isn’t true – that I just say it so much that I have come to believe it. Maybe it isn’t so much introversion as it is insecurity. For instance, if you and I are having a conversation, I can pretty much guarantee you that, in my head, I’m wondering why I said whatever I just said, am trying to think about what I’m going to say next and am deathly afraid that I have bad breath or food stuck in my teeth. Yes, I realize that this makes our interaction entirely about me and leaves me little mental energy to focus on whatever it is that you have just said. Turns out, insecurity is just pride in disguise.myfourbabies

I don’t like to stand out or be seen. I would much rather slip through life unnoticed. I arrive at places right on time to avoid any mingling or small talk. I stare at my phone a lot as if, at any moment, I am expecting a very important message. {I never am.} I can only imagine that God is quite pleased with himself at blessing us with four little girls (and one on the way.) Have you ever tried to slip in unnoticed to a restaurant or grocery story while six months pregnant and with four little ones trailing behind you? Yeah, it doesn’t happen. People are constantly stopping me and chatting.

Last week, at the grocery store, a sweet elderly woman stopped me to admire my children, shared with me all about her two grown children and, then, called her husband over to see my children. The cashier stopped in the middle of ringing up my groceries to tell me all about his children and to ask me if I intended to keep trying for a boy. Then, today at lunch, a group of men on their lunch break kept smiling at my girls until one guy went over to a claw machine and spent every dime in his pocket to win my youngest a bouncy ball. I love me some nice people.

Man was never intended to live in isolation. Nowhere in the commands to “go make disciples” or “love thy neighbor” is there room for hiding in our homes or staring at our phones. We are called to look around us and love on some people. So, instead of nodding a polite smile, I went over to the guy who had just presented my daughter with a rubber ball – the one who now had empty pockets but was clearly quite proud of himself. I thanked him for his kindness and, in broken English, he told me what a beautiful family I had and that I was blessed.

Maybe I’m not an introvert after all. I really do love people. And, honestly, people are not as focused on me as much as I am focused on myself. Shocking, I know. Maybe I should stop worrying so much about what I said or what I’m going to say. Although, the food in the teeth thing? I think that is a legitimate concern – especially since, after speaking with the nice gentleman at the pizza place, I got in my car and realized that I had eaten a slice of spinach pizza and, well, yeah.

So, I can’t really say {as I have so often} that I don’t come in contact with people who need to hear the gospel. God has arranged it so that I pretty much run into new people every where I go.

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