I stare constantly at my telephone as if, at any moment, a very important email or text or call may come through. I hold the phone up to my ear and quietly excuse myself to roam the halls and kill some time. I get up to refill my glass of tea for the tenth time just to have something to do…
Something – anything except engage in small talk or, worse yet, be trapped awkwardly alone while others engage in small talk.
What is it about me that can not function in a social setting? Where is the me that my husband calls funny and clever and cute?
Several weeks ago, I attended an amazing event called Secret Church. I was so excited about going that I had stopped and bought a new jacket to wear down there.
So, there I was, sitting in a room with 3,000 other people studying and praying for persecuted believers around the world. But, you know what I was thinking? I probably look ridiculous in this jacket. Do I look as uncomfortable as I feel? Which arm rest is supposed to be mine – the one on the left or right or neither or both?
Periodically, throughout the evening, I would speak to those around me. I would make seemingly intelligent statements. Yet, on the inside, I was a wreck. Why did I just say that? That didn’t come out the way I meant. Does my breath stink? Do they want to talk to me or do they feel obligated because I’m sitting right next to them?
But, you know what, I don’t think I’m the only one that feels this way. I think about all of the people that were at the event. And I think of the thousands of women who will be attending the Deeper Still event in Birmingham this weekend. I’ll be there and I know, as I look around the arena, there will be lots of cute women with cute hair wearing cute clothes. And I am convinced that not all of them are as secure on the inside as they appear on the outside.
Because what I have learned from myself is that sometimes…insecurity parades around in a bright red jacket.
Boy do I know the feeling. And you know where it’s worst? At home. With my husband. The man who sees me without makeup, in the morning, naked as a jaybird. The man who had a pretty darn good idea of what he was getting in the “total package” and chose it anyway, which some days feels like a miracle in and of itself. He sees me good, bad and all the times in between and I obsess daily over it. Now that I’ve put on a little “married weight”, it’s even worse. Why do we worry so much about the outside when it’s the inside that matters most? As women of God, we know better, yet we still get trapped by these demonizing thoughts. We busy ourselves with comparing who we to other people. And yet all those comparisons yield are the many areas where we think we fall short – never the things about us that make us unique and stand out from the crowd. What a sickness insecurity is!
By the way, that jacket is A-dorable! 🙂
It really is a sickness! And, I hate to say it, but a sin. I once heard Beth say that insecurity is nothing but a form of pride because we are still making it all about us. Wow…that hit me like a ton of bricks. Because don’t we somehow confuse insecurity and humility when it’s just the opposite?@#
Thank you for being such a faithful reader and commenter! 🙂 Have a great Christmas!
I hear ya! No matter how educated, how exercized, how prepared I may be…I still feel like a 5-year-old on the first day of school most days. Why IS that? Have you read Beth Moore’s book, “So Long Insecurity?” It’s a good one. I found my head nodding along as I read through.
BTW, how was Secret Church??
Secret Church was amazing. I was so touched by the love that David Platt has for the persecuted church and all believers around the globe. You know, I think the worst part about the whole insecurity thing…is that we allow ourselves to be convinced that we are the only ones who struggle with it. Thanks for stopping by to read, Megan. I hope you have a great Christmas!
Oh Stacy, I think we were separated at birth. Neal says that all the time about us. 🙂 I am exactly the same way in social situations, even when it is with people I know. I’m thankful that God allowed you to get out of your comfort zone to talk to me after Bible study that first night we met 2 years ago!
Love ya friend!