I have been scared…and so I have not blogged. I have posted videos…pictures…random things…because, when I write…it’s honest. It’s from my heart. And, what I’m feeling right now…is scared. And I just didn’t want to write about that. Fear is an ugly thing. But, in the midst of ugliness…God is teaching me.
After years of prayer…seriously, years…my husband and I have made the decision that it’s time for me to stay home with our children. There are those who don’t understand that decision. I’ll be honest…on paper…it doesn’t exactly make sense yet. But, I believe it will. I believe in Jehovah Jireh, the Lord who provides.
I have stepped out in faith and found that a great deal of fear was waiting for me. I know that fear is not of God. I know that. Yet, it is there. And there are things to be learned in the face of fear.
To acknowledge the fear is not sin. To wallow in it and allow it to control me, however…well, that’s a different story. God, throughout scripture, consistently tells us to not be afraid.
For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you. – Isaiah 41:13
I love that God knows me so well…He knows my weaknesses. He knows all of my areas of insecurity. He doesn’t just know me…He gets me. You see…I like to act like I’m tough. I pretend like my feelings aren’t hurt even when I’m deeply wounded inside. I get sad and lonely…and I feel like I can’t share that with people. But, the Lord knows. I have always loved this verse…
For He knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust. – Psalm 103:14
He remembers that we are dust…God knows that we are a fragile people, not weak, but fragile. He knows that we suffer with temptations and fears and trials. He knows that we get overwhelmed and scared. And, because He knows us and our fragility, He has compassion on us (Psalm 103:13.)
So, that is where I am right now…feeling fearful and fragile…yet, confident in the Lord’s love and compassion and provision.